It's the greatest gift we can give ourselves. It is a declaration of love to ourselves and to others.
Forgiveness is a response to the anger that hurts us. Anger is an inevitable and necessary emotion that pushes us to act. It often seems to be directed at others, when most of the time it is actually towards ourselves. Anger is positive if it doesn't last. Like all emotions, it is normally fleeting. But sometimes we hold on to it, we dwell on it. That's when it hurts us.
Anger stems from the sense of injustice and lack of respect we experience in connection with a person or a situation. To free ourselves from this, we need to make the situation fairer, through action or words. But if we can't, it's a good idea to forgive.
For example, Anne says something that Sophie finds hurtful and unfair. I say "finds" because it's often a question of perspective. Sophie has two options: either she broods over the injustice or she chooses to express it. But it turns out that Sophie can't say anything, probably because she's afraid of losing something... In this case, Sophie has no choice but to forgive herself for her silence and her inability to defend herself. Otherwise her anger will grow and grow, and end up hurting her.
To recap, it's a good idea to:
Forgive the person who hurt us.
Forgive life.
Forgive ourselves for having acted in such and such a way, or on the contrary for not having acted, for having allowed ourselves to be mistreated, for having been unfair, for not having lived up to expectations, for being imperfect... this is often the most difficult step. It's linked to the way we see ourselves and the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
The primary source of Sophie's anger is her imperfection. On the whole, we're all looking for perfection, each in our own way and in different respects. It's an enormous driving force, enabling us to act in the way we deem most appropriate and best. But perfection is subjective and therefore only relatively attainable. This sometimes leads to a great deal of anger towards ourselves. The consequence of this can be either:
a frantic and exhausting race towards something unattainable, or
a certain apathy and inertia linked to discouragement, because we believe we are not up to the task.
These two reactions are both negative because they are excessive, going to one extreme or the other.
It can be interesting to transform the search for perfection into "doing your best". This is an important change in language. Even if the objective is the same, the pressure exerted on the mind and therefore on the body is not the same. We know that words have an impact on us. They can activate our defence response, our flight response or, on the contrary, our relaxation response. Struck by an insult or aggressive words, the body and mind prepare to fight back.
Originally, consciously or not, the quest for perfection is linked to a desire to shine or to attract the benevolent, loving gaze of a particular person, often a parent or an authority figure... even if they are no longer physically there. As time goes by, we internalize this quest, sometimes to the point of making ourselves sick.
That's where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is about accepting that we are perfectly imperfect, being gentle with ourselves, and accepting that we are "a work in progress". For forgiveness to work, it implies a willingness to do one's best and to make progress, an intention. It's not about being self-indulgent. Once again, the body does not lie, and you'll know very quickly whether your forgiveness is sincere – do you feel your body opening or closing?
In general, forgiveness is given first to the other person, then to the world and finally to yourself. It's a wonderful experience and a liberation for yourself and others.
As always, I can only encourage you to ask yourself what holds you back from forgiving. It's an interesting exercise that helps us to live better with others and ourselves. You can do it alone or with the help of a therapist or coach. Kinesiology is a good practice to support change and awareness. It's the one I've chosen to support me and I can see the results. I'm calmer and I've increased my ability to take a step back from the events that life throws at me. It's up to you to choose if and how you want to get moving. And remember, non-choice is also a choice .
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